


Utsuho and Rin's Bogus Journey

by orphan_account



Series: Episodes from Gensokyo [1]
Category: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Touhou Project
Genre: Alcohol, Caffeine Addiction, Comedy, Crossover, Dimension Travel, Gen, Organ Theft, Plane Theft, Reality TV, Recreational Drug Use, Russian Mafia, Smoking, Theft, Would be on FIMFiction but this is more Touhou than pony., request
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-30
Updated: 2013-09-30
Packaged: 2017-12-28 01:09:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/985850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Utsuho Reiuji comes up with the ground breaking theory that oni can achieve infinite flight ability by sitting in a box and lifting the box up, much to the opposition of Rin Kaenbyou. Through testing this theory, they release unspeakable horrors into every dimension that not even the gods can reverse.</p><p>Or just end up startling Princess Celestia during tea time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Utsuho and Rin's Bogus Journey

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by http://www.fimfiction.net/user/spartanyoshi90

Utsuho and Rin’s Bogus Journey

Because I got asked to do this.

 

    Rin sat on a plastic chair, a mug of coffee in her hand. Utsuho stared at her in childlike expectation as Rin stared back in disbelief.

 

    “Okuu, do you even know how flight works!?” Rin asked breathlessly, head in her free hand in frustration.

 

    “No, I know we can get an oni to fly without an engine!” Utsuho argued back. “They’re strong, right? Really strong. So if they sit in a box, and lift the box up, they can lift themselves and the box up, then if they threw the box, they can fly away! If they kept catching the box and lifting it and throwing it, then it’s infinite flight!”

 

    Rin stared at her friend in utter shock of the complete lack of basic logic in the statement. “Are you sure that you’re supposed to be in the reactor core all the time? Something in there is messing with your head.”

 

    “Orin, I swear, if we got an oni into a box, they can fly.”

 

    “Find me an oni that will do that,” Rin crossed her arms. “Find me an oni who will sit in a box and pretend to be an airplane.”

 

==O\/O==

 

    Rin crossed off a day on the calendar and set her fresh coffee on the table. Sighing, she opened today’s paper. The headlines were the usual tengu unfounded gossip. _Kirisame Held Over Harrier Theft. Local Ice Fairy Holds Call of Duty Tournament. Moriya Shrine Maiden to Hakurei: “My faith brings all the boys to the yard.”_

 

    Rin turned the page, a bored look on her face as she sipped her coffee. There wasn’t any corpses to collect yet, and Utsuho was nowhere to be seen, although the sweltering heat proved that she had performed her daily task of heating the furnace. Rin eyed a small box on the floor, but due to the general clutter of the room, she thought nothing of it.

 

    Rin looked at the newspaper and dropped her coffee. The entire page was dominated by a picture of Utsuho giving a thumbs up and winking, with white text over the image reading _Strong oni needed for science reasons. Apply at Former Capital Research Center. It’ll be a laugh, I promise._

 

    The corpse carrier heard laughing. She peered down the hallway, only to see Utsuho and a small oni, wearing a ripped white vest and purple trousers. Utsuho easily stood a good two feet over the oni. The oni settled down the laughter, offering Utsuho a drink.

 

    “This box, yeah?” the oni asked, pointing at a small wooden box. She took a mouthful of sake from her gourd. “And you’ll pay me what, again?”

 

    “This shiny thing I found under my pillow!” Utsuho smiled, holding a chrome-finished pump shotgun above her head.

 

    “Utsuho...I am going to ask a number of questions...” Rin stated, hand on hips. “One; why do you have a shotgun? Two; why did you take out a full-page advertisement in the newspapers for this, and three; who the hell is this and why did she answer the advert!?

 

    ”One, I don’t know. Two, because I could, and Three, this is Suika. She owed me a favor after I beat her in a game of musical chairs,” Utsuho explained, helping Suika into the wooden box.

 

    “So what do I have to do?” Suika asked, adjusting herself inside the box.

 

    “Pull upwards, like you’re lifting the box,” Utsuho explained. Rin put down the newspaper, morbidly curious at where this was going.

 

    “Let me join you in Okuu-land a second: She’s been drinking. She’s not fit to fly even if she could,” Rin argued.

 

    “You say I’m too drunk. I say I’m not drunk enough!” Suika laughed.

 

    The oni grabbed the sides of the box. She tensed her muscles, focused and adjusted the density of the box. The box rose into the air. Rin stared open-mouthed with pure shock at what just happened.

 

    “...What?” Rin gasped, her entire perception of reality shattered. “Did that...but how did you…did you just...how the bloody hell do you-”

 

    Utsuho grabbed her friend, hugging her and patting her head gently. “Shhh, little Orin. You just got owned by logic. Shh...Sleep, little kitty. Sleep.”

 

    “Get my face out from your chest,” Rin complained, her voice muffled.

 

    “So do I get the shotgun now or what?” Suika questioned, still hovering in the box. She shifted her weight around. “Heh. Can I keep the box? I can totally get used to this.”

 

    “Sure,” Utsuho replied, releasing Rin from her grip and throwing the shotgun to the oni.

 

    The shotgun struck the box, sending it flying at the wall. Suika covered from the inevitable impact. The box started flying around the room, accelerating rapidly.

 

    “Aaahhh! I fear we have made a terrible mistake!” Suika cried, bouncing around the room in the gravity-defying box. The oni tried adjusting the density of the box. However, she focused too hard.

 

==O\/O==

 

    Yukari opened her eyes slowly. The gap was the same as usual. She closed her eyes again, before hearing a noise. She opened them fully, to see a trio of humanoids, one of which was in a box, flying past her in a spin, screaming in absolute terror. They disappeared from Yukari’s view in a flash.

 

    “Man, I have got to get off these pills...” Yukari muttered, before throwing a bottle of Yagakoro Butterfly Dream Pills to the side and falling asleep again.

 

==O\/O==

 

    Princess Celestia’s horn lit up as she poured another cup of tea. It had been a quieter day than usual. No letters. No international incidents. Nopony was bothering her. The emergency cake was not needed today. Life was good.

 

    There was a flash, before three creatures landed before her. One was flying around in a box, yelling. One had a magnificent pair of black wings on her back, and one had red hair and a tail.

 

    “What is the meaning of this!?” Celestia demanded.

 

    “Suika! Catch the box!” Utsuho ordered from the floor. The oni did as asked, and the box dropped to the floor, short of a stained glass window, charred from the extra-dimensional excursion.

 

    “I repeat, what is going on?!”

 

    “Oh...hey,” Rin greeted sheepishly, waving at Celestia. She turned to Utsuho. “Okuu, what the hell did you do!?”

 

    “I don’t know! Blame Suika!” Utsuho retorted. Celestia noticed the giant red eye in her chest, and the metal rod replacing her right arm.

 

    “Hey!” Suika yelled, before leaning down and vomiting. “That totally messed me up!”

 

    “I expect you to clean that,” Celestia muttered. Her perfect day was ruined. The emergency cake would be needed after all.

 

    “Oh...” Utsuho drifted off, staring at Celestia. The alicorn was only slightly smaller than herself. “Uh, if this isn’t a rude question, who are you?”

 

    “I am Princess Celestia, Solar Princess of the Principality of Equestria,” Celestia formally introduced herself. “And you are?”

 

    “Uh, my name’s Utsuho. Wait, how do we understand each other?”

 

    Celestia’s eyes widened. “...I don’t know. So, who are the other two?”

 

    Utsuho pointed at Rin. “That’s Orin,” Utsuho then pointed at Suika, wiping her mouth on her arm. “That’s Suika.”

 

    “Nice to meet you, I guess,” Rin sighed, rubbing her forehead, trying to stop the headache she had.

 

    “Yeah...Sorry about the carpets, by the way,” Suika greeted. “I never liked flying.”

 

    “Right...” Celestia replied. “Anyway, where do you come from? How did you get here?”

 

    Utsuho pointed in front of herself, drawing imaginary shapes with her finger. Her face twisted in thought, before she jumped into the air in inspiration.

 

    “When Suika sped up in the box, it caused atoms to move quicker. They impacted much more frequently. Eventually,  the box travelled so fast that it caused a resonance cascade event, and we ripped the universe a hole in spacetime. As a direct result, we flew through multiple universes before ending up landing here. Remarkable! We’ve proven the multiverse theory, guys!” Utsuho explained, before taking a deep breath. “Hey, you got any cookies?”

 

    Celestia blinked.

 

    “Your knowledge of physics is...astounding,” Celestia admitted.

 

    “People keep saying that for some reason,” Utsuho replied, not getting the compliment. She looked around the brilliantly decorated room. “So, you a princess huh?”

 

    “I am.”

 

    “So, you got any particle accelerators?”

 

    “I’m afraid not,” Celestia answered, confused to what a ‘particle accelerator’ was.

 

    “Ah,” Utsuho grunted. She turned to Rin, who was looking at the box as if it just killed everything she ever loved and broke her wheelbarrow, and Suika, who was sitting on a small chair, timing how long she can drink before she had to breathe. “No particle accelerator guys, we can’t go back without one.”

 

    “So who is going to keep the furnace lit? Who is going to collect the corpses!?”

 

    Celestia’s ears pricked up. “Corpses?”

 

    “Yes, that’s my job,” Rin explained. “I’m a corpse carrier.”

 

    “And where do you work that requires such an occupation?”

 

    Rin shrugged. “Hell.”

 

    Celestia blinked again. This was a first contact scenario...with demons from Hell itself.

 

    “So, you are demons!?” Celestia reacted, standing up.

 

    “Not exactly…” Rin corrected.

 

    Utsuho noticed the symbol on the alicorn’s rear. It was a bright sun, which despite the blending colors of yellow and white, stood out.

 

    “Hey, nice tattoo,” Utsuho said, pointing at Celestia. The princess looked at her solar Cutie Mark

 

    “It’s not a tattoo, it’s a Cutie Mark. It explains my talent,” Celestia explained. “My talent is moving solar objects.”

 

    “Woah, cool! I do something similar!” Utsuho agreed. “I maintain a fusion reactor!”

 

    “Uh, Okuu, I don’t think Satori will be happy with you just telling anyone that you do that…”

 

    Utsuho ignored her friend as she moved closer to Celestia. As the pair started talking about their respective solar objects - Celestia’s Sol and Utsuho’s Subterranean Sun Reactor. Suika wandered up to Rin, and leaned on the chair Rin was sitting in.

 

    “Look at that. They’re making friends,” Suika observed, judging from the tone of the conversation rather than the words they were saying, as Suika could not understand what they were saying at all. There was something about gamma radiation, and somebody named Kelvin or something like that.

 

    “Yeah. They seem to be getting on,” Rin replied, picking up the Princess’s teacup, pouring the tea out over Suika’s vomit stain, and pouring coffee from the teapot. She sipped the coffee as she watched Celestia and Utsuho exchange horrible sun puns and laugh at their own jokes.

 

    “Do you have any idea what they’re saying? Because I don’t,” Suika admitted, pouring a cup of tea from the teapot before adding a hip flask of her homemade bathtub whisky.

 

    “When she gets into a Nuke Mood, she just spouts utter rubbish for about four hours before calming down,” Rin explained, sighing as the drink of gods, coffee, coursed through her system. “It’s absolutely adorable. It’s like watching a puppy get a treat.”

 

    “I can tell. I bet I could kick her in the shins and she’ll be too happy to care.”

 

    “I dare you,” Rin grinned evilly, throwing the cup to the side and picking up the teapot. “Ugh. I have blood in my coffee stream again.”

 

    As the caffeine-addicted corpse carrier poured the coffee straight from the teapot into her mouth, the oni looked around the room. For a potentially deadly excursion through spacetime, the trip was rather pleasant. The hell raven was enjoying a talk with the princess of a nation, Rin was satisfying her massive coffee addiction, and she wasn’t dizzy from spinning for a billion miles in thirty seconds. Life was good except for one thing.

 

    _She had forgotten to set her VHS to record Eientei Shore._

 

    “Guys, we’ve got to go home!” Suika cried out. “ _Eientei Shore_ is on right now!”

 

    “No, we can stay a while longer,” Rin countered. She detested that show. It glamorized stupidity and vanity, under the guise of ‘reality.’ The kasha sighed, wanting to find whoever put reality TV past the Border so she could beat them to death with her cat cart. She hated reality TV more than anything in the world. Which wasn’t a lot. Rin sipped the coffee teapot, quietly thinking about the very short list of things she hated.

 

==O\/O==

 

    Twilight Sparkle looked up at the ornate ceiling of the throne room. Ever since her official ascension, she was free to visit the beautiful castle at will. She looked up at the ceiling. She always liked how that the art on the ceiling showed all of Equestria’s wars the furthest away from the Princess, and peacetime achievements became grander in scale as the room went on, until the throne itself, which was positioned under many windows to receive the noon sunlight as much as possible. It was a true masterpiece of architecture and engineering.

   

     Twilight approached the Royal Guard by the side of the throne. The soldier bowed, then stood back up.

 

    “Princess Celestia is currently entertaining guests in the East Wing Lounge,” the guard advised, taking in the features of the Princess, but trying to maintain professionalism. He knew just how ridiculous the guests in question were - One was a nuclear hell raven or something, one was a drunk who had vomited in the presence of the princess, the last one was an undertaker with a coffee addiction. Word spread fast at Canterlot Castle. It was always an interesting shift.

 

    “Thanks,” Twilight replied, walking out of the throne room and towards the East Wing Lounge.

 

==O\/O==

 

    “So there we were. about forty pints in. I could tell that my opponent was going to lose. She was looking just about ready to die of alcohol poisoning,” Suika used her hands to illustrate her story. “So then the witch next to her is like: ‘Hey, Alice, you okay?’ but the dollmaker didn’t respond. Long story short, we had to take her to a doctor at 5 AM to get her stomach pumped or she would’ve died of actually replacing her blood with beer.”

 

    “How could you possibly do that?” Celestia asked. The world these foreigners came from was definitely very different from Equestria. It seemed they were under constant threat of burglary by evil witches, government-sanctioned harassment by religious figures, magical combat on the streets, people slaughtered at night for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and Celestia daren’t even think of what horror 'Cirno' inflicted on her innocent victims, the way Utsuho talked about their first and last date; the hell raven's vivid descriptions of how Cirno mistreated waiters, tried to tip them, apparently a grave offence in 'Gensokyo,' and how she laughed when Utsuho fell into a puddle. Celestia shuddered as she also thought of Cirno's power: The manipulation of cold. The reason that a friend of Utsuho, a goddess named Kanako, had set up the date was in order to push the two into a relationship so that the fairy's cold power could be exploited in a fusion reaction to create cold fusion, apparently a beacon of progress in their world. 

 

     In their homeland, gods walk among mortals, demons have unions, vampires are considered good company, and war was reduced to a mere game rather than a horrible example of the true darkness of a pony’s heart.

 

    “Trying to beat me in a drinking contest is a brilliant way to go about it,” Suika laughed. “Next day though, I wasn’t allowed to challenge anybody to drinking contests any more or Reimu would stop my pocket money.”

 

    Utsuho leaned forwards, stubbing her cigarette out on an ashtray. “If we’re on Marisa stories, what about the time she tried to steal my kidneys to sell them to the Russian Mafia? When I woke up naked in that bathtub full of ice, I almost screamed to death. I still don’t know how she got my clothes off. I can’t take them off myself half the time.”

 

    Rin struggled to avoid spitting her coffee out. “Oh, Hell. This’ll be good.”

 

    The double doors opened, revealing another alicorn. She was smaller than Celestia, and she was violet rather than white. She seemed to wear more clothing than Celestia, and her ‘Cutie Mark’ was of some sparks. Utsuho wondered if her ability was making sparks. That would mean she was a robot and robots were cool.

 

    “Princess...Celestia?” Twilight stammered, looking at the hell raven, kasha and oni. “...Are these the...guests the guard was talking about?”

 

    “Oh, hello Twilight,” Celestia greeted. She pointed to the three guests. “This is Utsuho, Rin and Suika. They come from a different universe.”

 

    Twilight’s eye twitched. “...What.”

 

    The Princess of Magic’s eyes wandered about the room. There was a shattered teacup on the floor, a pool of vomit, a charred wooden box, a biped with cat ears violently shaking from a caffeine overdose, an obviously drunk biped with ribboned horns and a ripped-up dress, and a tall biped with a weird eye on her chest, giant wings and what appeared to be a cannon on her arm.

 

    _And Celestia sitting there not giving a damn about a single one of these factors._

 

    “So...what...what is my life..?” Twilight whispered to herself.

 

    “What was that? Pipe up!” Suika ordered.

 

    Twilight swallowed her natural fear and replaced it with scientific curiosity. These _were_ alien beings, after all.

 

    “I said hello,” Twilight spoke up loudly. “I am Twilight Sparkle.”

 

    “Hey!” Utsuho beamed. “You a princess too?”

 

    “Yes I am. How did you know?”

 

    “Because Celestia has wings and a horn, and you have wings and a horn! Also, you have pretty clothes,” Utsuho explained, her flawless logical ability showing through.

 

    “You think my clothes are pretty?” Twilight asked. “That’s quite sweet. Thanks.”

 

    Twilight looked at Rin. The corpse carrier looked back at her and waved.

 

    “Guys, I don’t care if you’re coming with me, but I really want to watch Eientei Shore,” Suika stated, climbing into the charred box. “Last call for anyone who wants to come home, because otherwise you’re getting left behind! I want to see if Kaguya finally fights Tewi for talking about her behind her back!”

 

    Utsuho turned to Celestia. “It’s been real good guys, but I gotta blaze.”

 

    Utsuho grabbed Rin’s arm and held onto the box. She turned to the two ponies. “You might want to leave the room unless you want to see Gensokyo!”

 

    “I see. Well, take care!” Celestia called out, before leaving the room. Twilight stayed behind though.

 

    “I want to see where you come from,” Twilight said, stepping forwards.

 

==O\/O==

 

    Yukari lifted her head up. Something was constantly disturbing her nap. Something important.

 

    The sound of screaming filled her ears again, as she saw the same three humanoids from a few hours ago, now joined by a purple thing.

 

    “Damned tourists...” Yukari sighed, checking her watch. “Can’t understand when a youkai wants some _fucking sleep!_ ”

 

==O\/O==

 

    “Reimu, for the last time, the Russians made me do it!” Marisa yelled, her legs hanging off the side of the shrine’s deck. “I did not steal it of my own free will! That was a vicious lie made up by certain unscrupulous tengu journalists to discredit my good name!”

 

    “...You don’t talk like that, ever,” Reimu sighed, gently sweeping leaves from the deck. “Stop lying. Why did you steal that fighter jet?”

 

    “...Because it looked cool,” Marisa admitted quietly. “Come on, you see a Harrier Jet, with an open canopy, and your first thought _isn’t_ : ‘mine!?’”

 

    Reimu set her brush aside and sat next to the witch.“Where were you going to keep it? Your house is too small to fit in half the stuff you ‘borrow,’ never mind a damn Harrier Jet!”

 

    “I’d have built around it,” Marisa countered, folding her arms.

 

    Reimu stared sceptically at her friend, before looking in the distance. It appeared to be...Utsuho Reiuji holding onto a box with Suika Ibuki inside. They were both screaming. The shrine maiden gasped, before grabbing her friend and throwing herself and Marisa to the ground. The box collided with the shrine door, ripping straight through it and knocking over a table. Reimu looked up, only to see that corpse carrier backflip into the shrine wall, and slide slowly to the ground. Reimu stood up and observed the situation, before hopping up onto the deck, walking into the shrine and grabbing Suika.

 

    “Suika, you’re going to explain everything right now,” Reimu threatened.

 

    “Oh, hey...” Suika slurred, dazed from the events of extra-dimensional travel. “Yeah, I don’t understand myself. Something to do with boxes, and time travel, or something like that.”

 

    Reimu narrowed her eyes.

 

    “...Please don’t hit me,”

 

    “I’m not going to punish you yet,” Reimu growled, looking at the utter devastation caused by the crash. “But I’m going to think about it. One day, when you’re not expecting it, it'll happen.”

 

    Suika stared at Reimu’s malicious grin, before the shrine maiden gently patted her on the shoulder and walked over to Utsuho. She looked at the pony princess on the floor, dazed from the journey between many universes.

 

    “What the hell is this, Utsuho!?” Reimu asked, pointing at Twilight.

 

    “That’s Princess Twilight. She’s come over here to see what we’re all about!”

 

    “Do you realise-” Reimu grabbed the hell raven’s collar. “-just how much paperwork I have to do every single time something crosses the Border?!”

 

    Utsuho gulped. “A page?”

 

    “Try four pages of incident reports, immigration reports, and trying to register their new Spell Cards if they’re staying! _Every. Single. Time._ ”

 

    “Oh,” Utsuho turned slowly to Twilight. Her breathing became heavy. “You’re not staying are-”

 

    “For a while,” Twilight interrupted.

 

    Reimu’s eye started twitching.

 

==O\/O==

 

    Marisa held her hand out and helped Rin up. “Bad day?”

 

    “Slightly,” Rin responded, rubbing the back of her head. The witch dug around her pocket and offered a stick of gum, which the corpse carrier accepted.

 

    “So, tell me what happened.”

 

    “Utsuho broke reality so bad that it caused us to go to a different universe,” Rin answered. That was the only possible way to put it: Utsuho had flipped the bird to anything good and sane. Rin wondered if it was Utsuho's utter lack of realistic thinking that allowed her to so flagrantly abuse the laws of physics. She didn't just abuse the laws of physics; she chained them up in her basement and fed them only mouldy toast while whipping them with their own extracted arteries. On Sundays, she would adapt the control rod to a much more nefarious purpose...

 

     Rin shuddered at her own vivid imagination and stopped the train of thought before it got too terrible. Maybe she was hanging around the wrong types of people for too long.

 

    “You know, most people just get high to do that,” Marisa laughed. “Find the right mushroom, and you’re higher than a kite in a tornado.”

 

    “This gum tastes funny...” Rin complained.

 

    “...I think that was my mushroom gum...” Marisa slowly realised. “Oh boy, are you in for a wild ride!”

 

    “WHAT!?” Reimu’s voice yelled from inside the shrine. Marisa peeked around a corner before pressing her back flat against the wall, her cocky expression replaced by one of fear.

 

    “Welp, they’re gonna die.”

 

==O\/O==

 

    Satori dropped her teacup to the floor. Her Third Eye began looking everywhere for something. Her hands trembled.

 

    “What’s wrong?” Koishi asked, deeply concerned over her sister’s sudden odd behavior.

 

    “I don’t know...I felt a great disturbance. Like a million voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced...” Satori whispered.

 

    “It was most likely nothing,” Koishi replied. “You got any cookies?”

 

    Satori grabbed a packet of cookies from the table and handed them over to Koishi, before Satori looked upwards, almost past the ceiling of the cave.

 

    “I think Reimu Hakurei is angry again,” Satori sighed. “Every time she is, I can feel it. She should get some therapy for that. If I'm able to feel it without even trying, then what rage is she producing!?”

 

    “I like cookies,” Koishi replied, nibbling a cookie. “And yeah, might be a plan for her.”

 

==O\/O==

 

    Utsuho collapsed onto her bed, an icepack on her head melting rapidly. Twilight limped in behind her, followed by an inanely grinning Rin.

 

    “That journey was bogus, man,” Utsuho whispered. “But I learned something today.”

 

    “What?” Twilight asked, the heat making her coat slick with sweat. _Who could possibly live in such conditions!?_

 

    “Oni _can_ use boxes to fly!” Utsuho yelled excitedly, pointing at Rin. “Score one to me, Orin!”

 

    “Oh, mon! Shut up!” Rin answered, her voice deeper than usual. “You’re harshing my buzz!”

 

    The hell raven, pony and kasha wondered how screwed up their lives had become. Well, Twilight did. Utsuho just wanted the headache to go away and Rin could taste colors. They sounded sweet.

 

    Overall, it was a productive day.

  
END   



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